A Matter of Confidence

good and bad, your inner voices (white)During several coaching sessions, various coachees have raised the matter of confidence.  A couple even described themselves as quite shy.  Even though they appreciated that others were unlikely to recognise this description.  So from the outside they appear self-assured.  What they want is to feel confident.        

Does this example ring any bells?

How confident you feel is a matter of personal perception.  A form of limiting belief, completely based on your own thinking.  And it probably depends on the circumstances.  Remember most admitted that others probably didn’t perceive them as lacking in confidence.  One of the keys to the learned ‘lacking confidence’ is in understanding that it is not situations – or people – which make us feel confident or under-confident, but rather our thoughts about those situations.

What situations or people ‘make’ you feel under-confident?

No matter what happens to you in life, good or bad, it’s how you think about it, which determines what you do about it.  This in turn builds (or kills) your overall personal self-confidence.  Noticing your own internal dialogue gives you of way of finding out what you think about yourself.  So when you make a mistake and say ‘How stupid of me’, you are not only exaggerating (well it is only one stupid action at the most) but also you are affirming your ‘bad’ image to yourself.  And would you speak to others in the way you speak to yourself?

What do you say about yourself when facing situations or people that ‘make’ you feel under-confident?

In other circumstances you may feel self conscious, or just don’t feel good about yourself.  And this thinking feels real and hits your self-confidence.

So what can you do to overcome these experiences?

When you fully recognise that you are feeling your thinking AND your thinking is just that, your thinking, and not ‘the truth’, there is no more to do.

If you let your own inner doctor do what it needs to do to get you back to a healthy mindset, that is what will happen.  The moment you think you need to be ‘doing’ something about it, this reduces the capacity of your inner doctor’s resources to be effective.  Even thinking you must ‘do nothing’ can become a job that interferes!  Let your own wisdom do what it’s best at doing – supporting you to be your healthy and happy self.

I was nearly tempted to say just recognise that your thinking is not the truth and let it go, but even saying that makes the ‘letting go’ a job!  Tricky stuff, eh?!  Well, only at first.  You’ll be pleasantly surprised how naturally it happens the more you recognise the nature of your thinking.

 So how do you feel now?

Advertisements

Honesty

So many people say that honesty is important to them …

and then tell a child not to say out loud that a person has a big red mark on his face.

Or tell people not to bring their personal problems to work (I remember thinking and saying this in the past!).

Or hold back telling someone about something because they’re concerned what response they’ll get.

And there are many more examples that could be mentioned.

I know I’ve said that a core value doesn’t have to be used all the time.  In fact in some instances it would be foolhardy!  The obvious one is around trust – but what about being frank all the time?  Or happy (one of my core values)?  And as for well-being, that might mean that some less than healthy food and drink would have to banned!

It’s amazing how easily we hold a value strongly and yet can do the opposite as equally easily.

I don’t have the definitive answer on practising honesty.  Working with values has heightened my awareness how complex an area it is!

Do tell me your stories and/or ideas on this matter.

 

Using Your Core Values to Find Your Niche

I’m an expert at complicating things, particularly if they’re to do with my inner world!  And I’ve found one of the reasons that causes me to take this route.  Taking myself too seriously!

For instance, I’ve been working really hard (there’s a sign that something’s amiss!) at finding a simple way of describing how I can help people through coaching.  Everyone (I know, this is a major generalisation!) says that it’s best to have a niche.  And this niche is best described so that it addresses either a problem a potential client has or a solution s/he wants.

Along the way I listened to various marketing experts, and by the end of it all I had so many things to consider, including Cialdini’s 6 principles of influence – reciprocity, consistency/commitment, authority, social validation, scarcity and liking.  Oh yes, and James Lavers’ 6 principles of Distance Persuasion to this – belonging, envy/emulation, ownership, significance, status and validation (go to http://www.nlpconnections.com/nlp-business-sales/13327-free-report-reveals-6-principles-distance-persuasion.html to find out more).  Then add onto this my beliefs etc about how I need to be in relation to this all – and in comes taking myself too seriously!

However, after struggling for over a year, it just fell into place.  Just in case you want to know the words, they are that I want to help individuals and organisations make work an enjoyable and satisfying experience!

And what helped it fall into place?  First of all, reminding myself to lighten up!  This fits with one of my core values, happiness.  Within this value I include fun and enjoyment.  So this helped me live this value more truly.  Then I played on another core value, well-being, which includes openness.  For me to be open I still my mind and let my intuition come to the fore (another part of well-being).  I asked myself “what is the common theme in my work with people and organisations?” and up popped the thought “well you want people to be happy at work”.

Now within positive psychology research indicates that happiness is made up of four components (I thank Lucy Ryan for this information from http://www.positiveinsights.wordpress.com):

pleasure (the fun stuff in life, emotional, delight, momentary)

passion (engaging activities, in flow, fully absorbed, challenging)

purpose (meaning beyond self, gives you fulfilment, bigger picture)

people (relationships that nourish, interest and fulfil you, giving and nurturing friendships, people you love who love you back)

I believe this summarises what I want work to be for everyone.  However, not everyone would know about these components – hence replacing the word ‘happy’ to give a bit more clarity yet still simply stated.

For a person who espouses living your values, I was a bit slow on the uptake to use my own!  This is just proof that strengths and core values are NOT interchangeable!  And I’m finding new ways all the time.

 

 

Practical Application of Values when Creating Website

Sometimes I get asked what practicality living your values have.  So I thought I’d give an example – or, if I wanted to use more business-like terms, a case study.

During one of the workshops I’ve recently run on living your values in business, one person gained insight on what to do with her website.  She had already started creating her website.  However, she knew it wasn’t quite sitting right.  During the workshop, the participants followed a process which led to them not only working out what their 4 to 6 core values were, but also how the other values that were important to them supported/interacted with these core values.

They were then encouraged to consider how their new-found awareness about their values might help them in a recent/current work-related situation.  This particular person suddenly appreciated that a key purpose of her website is to start the process of helping people to trust her.  So far her coaching clients have been referred to her by strong recommendation or already knew her – in other words, they already had a strong base of trust.  People meeting her for the first time on her website wouldn’t have that background knowledge.  So obvious, yet it hadn’t struck her until working with her values.

Through discussion she started to work out how this could be accomplished – e.g. through showing her own fallibility and include examples of her own mistakes,  describing her own experience of using the same process and giving examples of the results achieved with past clients.  This openness not only would help people to get to know her as a whole being but also it fitted in with her values!  Great result eh?!

When she first started drafting her website she had assumed she had to show how good she was.  Now she recognises the value of  demonstrating her humanity within it all.

How can your own core values support you with one of your work situations?

2 Spades: Abundance, Affluence, Beauty, Prosperity, Wealth

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder – and so are abundance, affluence, prosperity and wealth!

When considering any of these as a possible core value, with the exception possibly of beauty, money certainly comes to my mind!  However, all of them are more than they may first appear.

You may, for instance, value a wealth of beauty  – what impact could that have on your life?  It may:

  • influence what career you choose e.g. architect, beautician, environmentalist;
  • have an impact on your relationships e.g. you may think it is important that your partner has classic beauty and makes an effort to keep it so (as you may also do);
  • mean you want to buy the best because that is your interpretation of beauty (this may be for a large investment – such as a car – or every day items like food);
  • influence what holidays you want, going to places that are beautiful as far as you are concerned, preferring to wait until you can afford to go than to compromise.

Having said money comes to mind for all except beauty, I then give an example where money is pertinent to beauty!

As you may have already noticed, when making any of these words core values, the consequences will vary according to the situations as well as to how they are interpreted.  So, for example, some people may consider being prosperous as having a lifestyle that costs around £50,000 per annum.  While for others it would be £500,000 per annum!  Both are valid.

One thing is for certain, when setting up any core values that other people need to demonstrate, it is important to be clear what behaviours etc are associated with each core value.  And that those people are involved in discussions about such detail.  This way they are far more likely to commit to the behaviours.

Here’s a personal example.  When I was reviewing my core values, I found that one core value, ‘well-being‘, included the presence of confidence, courage, flow, hope, optimism, intuition, meaningfulness, openness and curiosity.

If you had asked me what ‘well-being’ involved beforehand I suspect I wouldn’t have mentioned most of what I’ve described!  Words like physical and mental health would have come to mind.  Now when I compare the two, I can appreciate that my mental health is linked to many of the words I’ve used – e.g. the presence of confidence, optimism and curiosity.  These words give a much clearer picture what ‘well-being’ is for me.

What about you?

Values in Business

“So what relevance do values have in business?” you may well ask. Apart from the obvious ethical practices within business, they have lots of relevance to the performance – and health – of both the business and its employees.

But you know this already, don’t you? And yet I wonder how much your core values influence how you are in the work you do? And how much do you encourage not only yourself but also others to work within their personal values? I know that despite knowing how supportive they are, I don’t make the most of them.

So what stops us living our values at work perfectly?
There are two sources – one is outside and one inside of us.

Let’s consider the external source first. There are various ways the external world impacts us …

  1. We’re told to work in a particular way: for instance, we may be told to never admit the organisation is in the wrong even though it may be, or that you have to work unpaid overtime even though your family life matters to you
  2. ‘This is the way things are done here’ (even though it may be contrary to avowed culture, written procedures etc): for example, cutting corners, or doing what’s good for the company and to the detriment of their customers, or taking business pens and paper to use personally at home or using work time on personal matters without permission
  3. Working within the organisation’s values: It’s fair enough that organisations have core values, which they want demonstrated in what and how work is achieved. But what happens if they become or are in conflict with your own personal values? What then? I suspect it depends how much of a compromise you have to make.

Now what about the internal source? Well …

  1. We’re great in demonstrating certain aspects of our core values, but not others: now I’m not going to repeat my capability to trust my husband on the big things but not on the little things (OK, I’ve just done it!). Another example is intuition. I know people who are great at using their intuition on small things – like bringing some bread to a friend’s picnic even though they’ve not been asked to, and then finding that the friend had forgotten to pack theirs! Yet they are very wary to trust it for the big/serious matters in their life, such as a job offer. Logically, it appears to ‘tick all the boxes’ and yet they have a felt-sense it’s not right. However, they accept the job and then find it isn’t what they expected.
  2. We’re great at demonstrating our core values in certain parts of our life, but not in others, even though we want to: so, another person I know has ‘well-being’ as one of her values. She’s really good at making sure she has a great balance between work and the rest of her life, but boy does she struggle with eating a balanced diet and the right quantity for her lifestyle! And she knows she is not living her value of ‘well-being’ for herself through this behaviour.
  3. We want others to demonstrate our core values, but don’t practise them ourselves (or only very intermittently!): for instance, ‘respect’ is a core value for one client in relation to communication. After a particular discussion about an example of conversation she gave, she recognised that she was demanding respect from others but not showing it herself. She hadn’t noticed this beforehand. Now she is committed to demonstrating respect in the way she speaks and hoping this will inspire reciprocation over time.
  4. We need to practise our values: So for this client I mentioned in point 2, it took her a bit of time first to notice when she wasn’t speaking respectfully and then learning how to speak from a place of respect. For another person, they had a core value for the rest of their life and realised they wanted to bring it into their work. It was ‘love’. And it took time to find out how they wanted to demonstrate this value at work and in their work.
  5. It isn’t always appropriate to demonstrate particular values: going back to trust, it is appropriate to not trust certain people or situations, for physical and/or psychological safety reasons. When I was working with one person (developing a metaphor for one of her values, frankness) she recognised for the first time that her frankness will be best used when she selects the appropriate situations. Timing matters.

You may be wondering why on earth we want to live our values when all this is in our way. Well, because of what living your values gives you, even when not lived perfectly! Here are some of the gifts: strength of purpose, solid foundations of confidence and self-esteem, energy, enjoyment, power, improved performance at work with less ‘trying hard’ or ‘working hard’ … and more.

So there you are! I’d love to know your thoughts/experiences of living your values. What have you gained from it – and what other internal and/or external sources do you recognise that make it difficult to live your values. DO tell me.

All the best

Helen

P.S. If you want to know more about living your values in business,

ATTEND THE FOLLOWING EVENT!

Living Your Values in Business

What you’ll gain from this event will be:

clarity about what core values are important to you in business,
• a deeper understanding about how your core values shape you – how you think, speak, observer, hear, feel and behave,
• a stronger appreciation what this can mean to you at work,
time to think about you in business, and
one particular commitment you make that will enhance you in business through the application of your core values.

And you’ll leave the session renewed, re-energised and may be even with new friends!

This is an interactive event – there’ll be some background information given, followed by a series of activities that help you gain the clarity, understanding etc mentioned above.

All this for £20 (inc VAT)!

This event takes place …
on Tuesday, 12 July 2011 starting at 7.00 pm and finishing at 9.30 pm
at Mortimer Room, Old Market, Nailsworth, Glos GL6 0DU
BOOK NOW!  Contact me, Helen Harrison, on 01453-835263, mobile 07710-124321 or helen@LivingYourValues.co.uk

The Power of Using Your Values in Your CV

Recently I was coaching a person who had been made redundant and actively looking for work for over 5 months with no joy in the financial services sector.

In one session we worked on not only discovering her values and strengths, but also their impact on her job satisfaction.

At the end of this session, she took up the idea to be open about her core values on her CV (she already covered her strengths). She recognised that any organisation that she would find a pleasure to work for would consider her personal values of significance to them. In addition, she thought this would also be a way to stand out from all the other CVs.

Within a month of making this change to her CV, she was offered a job in an organisation that suited her completely. And she accepted it. She said that she noticed the interviews included a discussion about values. This included her giving examples of how they guided her behaviour at work and the interviewees giving such examples when working in their organisation. This increased both parties understanding and appreciation of each other.

Her recommendation to those still looking for a job that they will enjoy is to include details about their core values on their CV.

Go for it!

Values and Strengths: similarities and differences

I want to consider values and strengths.

Why? Because recently it’s hit home to me that people tend to assume that if something is one of your core values, you must be good at it too. In one event I was running on values, one person said “but value words are strength words. They seem the same to me”.

THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT NECESSARILY THE CASE!

For instance, one of my core values is ‘happiness’. Now as much as I’d love to say I’m good at being happy, that just is not the case all the time. Yes, a good proportion of my time I am happy, and I hope I engender some happiness in others. At the same time, I know I am occasionally unnecessarily grumpy/tetchy – and not just when I’m hungry! In addition, I often remember the 1% negative feedback over all the positive, which certainly detracts from my happiness.

I don’t think I’m the only one who has values in which I’m inconsistent in how good I am at demonstrating them.

So what are strengths? And how do they differ from values? Let’s look at dictionary definitions first. I’ve selected the definitions that relate to how we are using the words in this article. In the New Oxford Dictionary of English the definitions are:

• “strength: a good or beneficial quality or attribute of a person or thing”
• “values: a person’s principles or standards of behaviour: one’s judgement of what is important in life”

And here’s my take on similarities and differences between values and strengths…

The similarities between values and strengths are:

– They create energy
– They can change over time
– They are unique to each individual: they are specific in nature and show themselves in a particular way with each person. Even when two people may have the same named value or strength, how they both apply it will depend on all the other aspects in and outside of themselves
– They are developed from a huge variety of sources
– They can vary in importance (or certainly depth of strength)
– Individual values can support each other, and so can individual strengths
– They have a positive feel/ring to them: and at the same time, for values they can lead to conflict between individuals/groups who hold different values. As for strengths, if over-used may cause difficulties e.g. tenacity becomes stubbornness!
– Two values/strengths can appear to be in conflict: e.g. equality and diversity for values, good at working on own and good at work as part of a team for strengths
– They add something positive to our life when sensitively put into practice: for values I’m talking about non-material benefits, like happiness, health, confidence, strength of purpose, enjoyment … I think strengths can give something positive to our lives when they encouraged to be used, but their impact is less far reaching

Now let’s consider how they differ. For values:

• We aspire to them, want to live by them in our lives
• They can involve rights and responsibilities: values are usually two-way e.g. wanting to give and receive trust. There are no rights or responsibilities linked to strengths in general
• They are generalisations, and exceptions naturally occur. For example, I think ‘trust’ is important: I want to trust people and be trusted by people – at the same time, I recognise that it is appropriate that this doesn’t happen in some circumstances
• They have a positive intention. Even though there can be negative consequences, the value is there for positive reasons (e.g. a whistle blower takes that action because s/he holds some value that leads to that action, even though it may have detrimental consequences to his/her life). There are no intentions, positive or negative, linked to a strength that I have noticed
• They guide our behaviour, thoughts, feelings, communication, decisions, attitudes and the like. For strengths, you may select a particular career because it plays on your strengths, but they don’t act so clearly as a guide.
• A particular voice tone is used: the tone is positive, uplifting and with energy. I don’t think any particular tone is used when speaking about strengths
• They require no external justification. For strengths this is not necessarily true, because sometimes you are asked to explain/demonstrate in what you consider something to be a strength e.g. in a job interview
• They may be chosen by each individual. If you include inherent talents under strengths, that reduces choice. Yet you may also choose to develop a strength e.g. in sport, playing a musical instrument. This difference is less clean cut

So there you are. And I’m guessing that you might like something that helps you work out whether you have in mind a value or a strength!

Here are two questions that can help you. Ask yourself:

“Is this something I aspire to, aim to be like?” (if ‘yes’ then it’s a value)
OR
“Is this something I consider I really good at doing?” (if ‘yes’ then it’s a strength).

I’d love to know your thoughts/experiences around beliefs and values. DO tell me.

All the best

The Strength of Living Your Values

Here I am, a person who knows that living my values is important to my health and happiness. YET… I’m struggling within myself to accept that, at present, I’m not attracting the clients I’d love to work with. And I do the beating-myself-up thing even though intellectually I know it really doesn’t help! And it’s not based on the whole truth!

I suspect my inner struggle is inevitably sending out invisible energy that just holds them back from making the decision to contact me – yet (that word again). It’s not the unattractive vibe of neediness – it’s more a subtle transparent yet present veil that gets in the way of true connection.

So how does this fit with one of my values ‘being true to myself’? Well I’m facing up to how I feel. And I acknowledge that I don’t have as much paid work as I’d like. However, I’m giving less focus on evidence of how good I am in my work and more on what is not working. Yes, yes, I know. You get more of what you focus on!

So what has changed today? Well, I read something about developing my story relating to my business. I’ve heard this before and had played with it. This time it shifted something inside. I realised that despite the current state of my business (and I am receiving paid work I enjoy that enables me to pay my everyday costs of living, which is easily more than a lot of people), I am happy and healthy. And most importantly I would rather be in my current state than to be earning significantly more money as a Human Resources Director of an international public company – what I did before coming self-employed.

Yes, I know, this is so obvious. I’ve even said it to people. However, it hadn’t landed as it did this morning.

And why am I writing about this? For a variety of reasons …

To share that it’s not easy to go through the process of change, especially when you’re unsure that anything is actually taking place! And even though you want to grow.
Even though life may not be exactly in line with your dream life, you can still be happy and healthy.
Small foibles can have a big impact on your life. This was certainly true in this instance.
Credible people may put forward the idea that things might be moving under the surface. And it can make sense but it doesn’t make it any easier to live with it. I mean, how long is it going to take to come to a resolution?! My ability to be patient can wane quite quickly!
The work on a foible can be bubbling along under the surface for quite a while. Like me, you may feel ‘not right’, unsettled, occasionally emotionally shaky, but that COULD be for other reasons. To get to the other end, you have to live with the not-knowing.
Knowing your core values and living by them as much as it humanly possible does give you strength, resilience. I know living my values supported me through the relative difficult times of that under-the-surface work – helped me remain positive and hopeful.

I’m now experiencing the happy ending! The under-the-surface work has broken through and come to light – like a small boil bursting (sorry for those of you who are squeamish!) The dis-eased stuff has been released and it can now heal – that aspect of me can now heal.

I wish you the gift of a happy ending soon to any current shaky experience you may be having.

The Challenge of Choosing the Right Career

Steve Pavlina has written a great blog on the challenge of choosing the right career. You can read it at http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2007/11/the-challenge-of-choosing-the-right-career/.

Whatever career (or non-career) path you take and however ‘good’ or ‘bad’ you find it, it is possible to gain something positive out of it, if you choose to look at life in that way.

When I was a student I took a holiday job working in administration for a high street bank (the sort you and I go to). I quickly knew that this type of organisation would not suit me for a permanent career as it had so many rules and regulations, leaving little opportunity to use initiative. And the level of detail involved was incredible! None of my strengths that I like using were relevant at all.

There is solid evidence (linked to positive psychology) that when you can use your strengths in your work, it is better for all concerned.

So if you’re trying to work out what career to choose, one area I’d strongly recommend you consider looking at is where your strengths lie. When you know this you can then think what types of career might require you to use them.